I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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