there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
