I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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