i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
