girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
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I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
