R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
