I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
