My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
