I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
