my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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