Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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