I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
