pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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