if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
