So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
