He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
