he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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