I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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