I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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