I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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