and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
