I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
