I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
