Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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