I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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