Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
