I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
