Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
