I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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