Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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