onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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