I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
