remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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