Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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