the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
