I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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