mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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