the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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