Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
