chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
