I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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