tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
