Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
