Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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