They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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