Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
