I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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