Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should frame my arrest warrant.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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