In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
