No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if only i could text you this smell
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
