we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
