Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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