My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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