I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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